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Fuck
I got fired today...from a job that I had JUST gotten. I walked in the first day last Tuesday and was fired this Tuesday, an exact week later.
"When you stubbed your toe there, in the back room, you said 'dang!' or...something. And...I just...this is a small building and....you're very expressive."
Oh...so suddenly its a crime to be expressive? Not ONLY a crime but something worth FIRING someone over? I was muttering to myself! the only reason the doctor heard me was because she was standing in the doorway.
"When all the employees come to me about you, without me even asking about you, that's a bad sign."
It's funny. One of the girls met me, for the FIRST TIME on Friday and was busy the entire time with the animals. Another girl, the front desk girl, had many a nice chats with me about things ranging from her faith to her family to just life in general. The THIRD girl-some barely 21 year old cunt-had barely said two words to me that WEREN'T 'DO THIS!' in the week of me being there. So tell me...when the hell could I have been curt and mean and rude to these girls if I never SPOKE with them?
"I'm telling you all of this-and legally I don't have to in the state of Georgia...I can just fire you without explanation-but I'm explaining all these problems to you because I want you to take this as a learning experience. You can...you can use me as a reference...I won't say anything bad about you-legally I CAN'T say anything bad about you. Are you eligible for re-hire? MAYBE...but I think you need to do some personal self searching first."
WTF?!?! First of all, bitch, you don't have the right to talk to me that way...I'm an adult-21 dammit! Secondly...I don't have to do any self searching at all...all of your excuses were total bullshit.
I BEGGED to get another chance to fix whatever the fuck it was she wanted from me. I told her that I mopped, cleaned cages and she just LOOKED at me with this patronizing look and then said-"But Dena...even the way you mop...I just can't take it." Apparently I offend this woman just by existing...well I can only hope her children get cancer and die. Or something equally as disgustingly horrible. And the front desk girl was a Jehovah's Witness and said something to me like, "It's not for me to judge" the first day I was there-we were talking about something. Yeeeeah...riiiiiight. Fuck you, you stupid little cultist bitch. *prays to a god that listens-because 'The One True God' sure as hell isn't helping-that the dear little just turned 21 one-year-old will get married-she's engaged now-and that her husband not only cheats on her, but turns out to be gay and cheats on her with men...ALL THE TIME*
And to top all this off, I've fucked over one of the best people in my life. Dena the dumb-ass has, as usual, fucked something up. Out a desperation to be loved, accepted...to try and FEEL something...I FUCKED UP. Now I've lost someone close to me and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.
I don't have a boyfriend anymore and my family is tired of having me in the house. No job, no car, no boyfriend, nearly no friends-that's my own damn fault though because I'm a piece of shit. I have nothing. Nothing.
As I drove home from the vet today...I thought about killing myself. I envisioned, in my head, how it would be to down the rest of the alcohol nestled in my closet along with a bottle of advil, benadryl and as many other drugs as I could get my hands on. I could see myself pulling out a knife and stabbing myself so deep in the wrist that I plucked the very veins from beneath my skin and let the life drain out of me.
I don't want to be alive anymore, especially if I lose them. It sounds selfish to say it that way, I know. If I thought that God, the asshole that he is, was listening, I'd ask him to kill me-but I've done that before and he's not listened. Even still...there's a part of me that somehow, has hope. Somehow I can hope that I'll be forgiven for fucking things up and things can go back to normal-or a semblance thereof. Somehow I can hope that I'll get another job and it will stick this time. The bits of hope inside of me are so small though...that I'm almost ready to give up. If I lose them, if I go for another 5 months without a job...I'll have no hope left and life won't hold any interest for me anymore.
My mother asked "But what about those left behind?" when I said I was going to kill myself-I talked to her on the phone after getting fired today-and I scoffed. Who is left? My parents? They just want me gone from the house and eventually it'll be "Oh well she killed herself but we'll see her in heaven someday so its okay." My sister? She'll just get moody and make it all narcissistic as she does everything and within a few months everyone will be bored with giving her condolences over her stupid, dead sister, and she'll find something else to be moody over. Which friends will notice? These people I've talked to on the net for a couple years, would never even know. I'd just disappear and they'd wonder a bit but then move on. My friends at home...I hardly see any of them anymore-save for a few-and I'm not sure how much they want me anyway-especially after how spectacularly I fucked up.
I want to cry and scream and rage and just be plain angry. I hate myself more than I ever have before and I can't help but see that there's something fucking WRONG with me. I'm no good...and I think it would be best if everyone left me behind to self-destruct...I've hurt enough people already.
depressed"When you stubbed your toe there, in the back room, you said 'dang!' or...something. And...I just...this is a small building and....you're very expressive."
Oh...so suddenly its a crime to be expressive? Not ONLY a crime but something worth FIRING someone over? I was muttering to myself! the only reason the doctor heard me was because she was standing in the doorway.
"When all the employees come to me about you, without me even asking about you, that's a bad sign."
It's funny. One of the girls met me, for the FIRST TIME on Friday and was busy the entire time with the animals. Another girl, the front desk girl, had many a nice chats with me about things ranging from her faith to her family to just life in general. The THIRD girl-some barely 21 year old cunt-had barely said two words to me that WEREN'T 'DO THIS!' in the week of me being there. So tell me...when the hell could I have been curt and mean and rude to these girls if I never SPOKE with them?
"I'm telling you all of this-and legally I don't have to in the state of Georgia...I can just fire you without explanation-but I'm explaining all these problems to you because I want you to take this as a learning experience. You can...you can use me as a reference...I won't say anything bad about you-legally I CAN'T say anything bad about you. Are you eligible for re-hire? MAYBE...but I think you need to do some personal self searching first."
WTF?!?! First of all, bitch, you don't have the right to talk to me that way...I'm an adult-21 dammit! Secondly...I don't have to do any self searching at all...all of your excuses were total bullshit.
I BEGGED to get another chance to fix whatever the fuck it was she wanted from me. I told her that I mopped, cleaned cages and she just LOOKED at me with this patronizing look and then said-"But Dena...even the way you mop...I just can't take it." Apparently I offend this woman just by existing...well I can only hope her children get cancer and die. Or something equally as disgustingly horrible. And the front desk girl was a Jehovah's Witness and said something to me like, "It's not for me to judge" the first day I was there-we were talking about something. Yeeeeah...riiiiiight. Fuck you, you stupid little cultist bitch. *prays to a god that listens-because 'The One True God' sure as hell isn't helping-that the dear little just turned 21 one-year-old will get married-she's engaged now-and that her husband not only cheats on her, but turns out to be gay and cheats on her with men...ALL THE TIME*
And to top all this off, I've fucked over one of the best people in my life. Dena the dumb-ass has, as usual, fucked something up. Out a desperation to be loved, accepted...to try and FEEL something...I FUCKED UP. Now I've lost someone close to me and I don't know if I'll ever get them back.
I don't have a boyfriend anymore and my family is tired of having me in the house. No job, no car, no boyfriend, nearly no friends-that's my own damn fault though because I'm a piece of shit. I have nothing. Nothing.
As I drove home from the vet today...I thought about killing myself. I envisioned, in my head, how it would be to down the rest of the alcohol nestled in my closet along with a bottle of advil, benadryl and as many other drugs as I could get my hands on. I could see myself pulling out a knife and stabbing myself so deep in the wrist that I plucked the very veins from beneath my skin and let the life drain out of me.
I don't want to be alive anymore, especially if I lose them. It sounds selfish to say it that way, I know. If I thought that God, the asshole that he is, was listening, I'd ask him to kill me-but I've done that before and he's not listened. Even still...there's a part of me that somehow, has hope. Somehow I can hope that I'll be forgiven for fucking things up and things can go back to normal-or a semblance thereof. Somehow I can hope that I'll get another job and it will stick this time. The bits of hope inside of me are so small though...that I'm almost ready to give up. If I lose them, if I go for another 5 months without a job...I'll have no hope left and life won't hold any interest for me anymore.
My mother asked "But what about those left behind?" when I said I was going to kill myself-I talked to her on the phone after getting fired today-and I scoffed. Who is left? My parents? They just want me gone from the house and eventually it'll be "Oh well she killed herself but we'll see her in heaven someday so its okay." My sister? She'll just get moody and make it all narcissistic as she does everything and within a few months everyone will be bored with giving her condolences over her stupid, dead sister, and she'll find something else to be moody over. Which friends will notice? These people I've talked to on the net for a couple years, would never even know. I'd just disappear and they'd wonder a bit but then move on. My friends at home...I hardly see any of them anymore-save for a few-and I'm not sure how much they want me anyway-especially after how spectacularly I fucked up.
I want to cry and scream and rage and just be plain angry. I hate myself more than I ever have before and I can't help but see that there's something fucking WRONG with me. I'm no good...and I think it would be best if everyone left me behind to self-destruct...I've hurt enough people already.
cynical
blah
pensive
amused
